Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Guest Post: Top 5 Beautiful Actresses Who Star in Bad Movies

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

After reading several similar lists in this vast internet space, I want to submit my own opinion on some select actresses. So, I want to first stat that looks aren’t everything for movie actresses. Some beautiful women have such continuing bad taste (or bad agents) that I want to gag every time I hear one of their new movies is coming out. So I present the Top 5 Beautiful Actresses Who Star in Bad Movies list. This is my opinion, and there are always exceptions, but the actresses who seem to be repeat offenders are as follows:

#5: Jessica Biel
Ah . . . Mary Camden. You were in The Illusionist, which I give mad props for, but that doesn’t make up for everything else. Summer Catch? Texas Chainsaw Massacre? I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry? And—it needs to be said—you’ll always be little Mary Camden from 7th Heaven to some. I just can’t take you seriously when I remember you living with your 20 other siblings, trashing the gym or something. Sorry, but your movie choices haven’t done much to turn you from a hot, athletic babe to a legit actress.

#4: Jessica Simpson
First, I guess I’m using the term “actress” loosely. You can pretty much mention all her movies and they would fall into the bad movie category. Major Movie Star, Blonde Ambition, Employee of the Month, and Dukes of Hazzard are not an acting career, they’re the desperate attempt to cling onto reality-show fame.

#3: Jennifer Lopez
Miss J. Lo has been in too many stinkers to redeem herself. She was great in Selena, and apparently Monster-in-Law was a mild hit—but that cannot make up for such movies like Anaconda, Angel Eyes, and Enough. And do I need to mention Gigli (seriously, you can’t even pronounce that!) or Jersey Girl? She is beautiful, she made curves hot, but her movie choices have been bad enough to make me want to kick her back to her block.

#2: Eva Mendes
Eva . . . you poor thing. You began your poor choice in film with Children of the Corn V. Then you moved on to Urban Legends: Final Cut, All About the Benjamins, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Stuck on You, Ghost Rider, and Cleaner. Those are a lot of bad movies. There were a couple hits along the way: Training Day, (remember her as someone’s girl? Or something equally minor?) Hitch, and The Wendell Baker Story. But these just aren’t enough. Hey, I didn’t invent math—7 bad movies versus 3, maybe 4 good ones? Numbers don’t lie; you need to make better choices. Oh, and The Spirit!? Make that 8 bad movie choices. Tsk tsk. Go pose nude again or something.

#1 Jessica Alba
Let’s see . . . Dark Angel. Honey. Fantastic Four. Sin City. Into The Blue. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Awake. The Eye. And, of course, The Love Guru. Not much to redeem you, poor Jessica, except your looks. And—it needs to be said—you’re a mother. I can’t help but now wonder what your daughter would think to know her mom once played a stripper. To think that my mom might have been a hottie with a body is enough to make me ill.


Tyler Awesome Coolage said...

Hope the formatting looks alright. I'm not sure if it turned out the way you wanted (the pictures weren't really working, so I dropped them.)

Wow! I really like your writing style; this entry gave me a few laugh-out-louds. Keep the posts a-comin'!

Anonymous said...

I've gotta say, those ladies are where they are for a reason. Let's keep them there. No reason to go screwing up good movies with bad actresses, hot though they may be.

Tyler Awesome Coolage said...

I agree with "Audrey". It's like what happened the other day. Becca said, "You know, I miss the OLD Cuba Gooding Jr. I mean, he at least used to star or co-star in good films. Now he's doing 'Snow Dogs'!"

To which I replied, "Thank God! Keep him there doing 'Snow Dogs'. I never want to see him screw up a good movie again!"

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