Tuesday, January 13, 2009

you know what really SUCKS...?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

.....................VAMPIRES, that's what. Literally. They will suck your blood. They. Will. Suck. Your. Blood. They will suck it up. Dare I say, they will drink your milkshake.

So, I hate vampires. Seriously. I hate vampires. Every single one of them. I HATE vampires! I have not seen a vampire movie in I-don't-know-how-long, and yet in the past few months they have continued to show up in violent, graphic nightmares to get me and everyone I love, the evil bastards. I HATE vampires!

Oh, I know what you're thinking... "But vampires are so cool. Vampires are sexy!"
(My reply after da jump.)

Um, yeah, they're sexy...until they're about tear out your jugular,

and eat your soul (and then theres' that whole afore-mentioned blood-sucking thing). Dear readers, take note: the whole reason why they're sexy is because they wanna get close to you and bite you. Vampires only have one thing on their minds. Bloooooooood. You see, our current pop culture has deceived us. Our media want you to think that vampires are dark, sexy, freaky, spooky superheroes. I'm sorry to break it to you, but there's no such thing as a gothic/vampire/bat superhero.

Ok. That kind of backfired on me. But notice, Batman does not bite people's necks. Batman does not suck people's blood. And Batman certainly does not listen to emo crap like My Chemical Romance. He's way too cool to do something lame like that.

The sad thing is, our current pop culture has progressed beyond even the Underworld-era vampire as the sexy, cool superhuman; this type of vampire has been replaced with one far more repulsive...

That's right. In addition to whiny, melodramatic teenagers wanting to be vampires, we now have VAMPIRES TRYING TO BE WHINY, MELODRAMATIC TEENAGERS! These vampires are so far removed from Count Dracula that "the harmful effects of sunlight" don't burn these vampires, don't kill them, don't turn them into bats. No. No. The magical harmful effects of sunlight make these vampires...


...sparkle...
......................
..........................
...............................Yes, you read that correctly. They sparkle in the sunlight. OooOoOooOooOooOoOOOOOoOooOOOOooh!! Scary. And. Glittery. That's just what we need -- glittery, glitzy vampires.

What we need now is a new vampire movie that is completely old-school, totally non-new. The last thing we need is to "reinvent" vampires; that's how we went wrong in the first place. We've reinvented them eleven times over, and humanized them to a fault. What we need is something like a more modern retelling of Nosferatu; what we need is a classic Dracula-flick with an updated setting. The vampire need not be Dracula himself necessarily, but he ought to be modeled after that seductive but terrifying gentlemanly archetype.

Also, I'm so sick and tired of every single vampire movie featuring the most arrogant vampires explaining to the silly humans that every single bit of oral tradition handed down about vampires is wrong, that somehow all the oldest and best-known tales about these monsters are pure superstition. When's the last time you saw someone try and kill a vampire with a good old-fashioned stake, or ward him off with holy water, garlic, or a crucifix? We need to return to these archetypal sorts of tried-and-true props and motifs. Because God knows, no one (thirteen-year-old girls aside) wants to see another dumb teenage vampire angst movie.



P.S. Vampires are real, very, very real, and very, very scary. They are ABSOLUTE evil! The hierarchy of evil is Satan/Morgoth/Sauron, Maleficent, the Joker (ala Dark Knight), the Sith, the Nazgul, Count Dracula, Keyser Soze, Hannibal Lector, and vampires in general. That's why this post is so vitally important. We humans (and we werewolves) must win the war against the blood-suckers. I'll explain all about werewolves in another post.

15 comments:

Emily said...

the sparkly thing... ugh.

Kyndall said...

Robert Pattinson is kinda sexy though. :)

Gothgirl83 said...

oh hellz no...! my chem rocks, vamipres are awesome, and blood is very delicious...! so ha! XD

Tyler Awesome Coolage said...

well, "Gothgirl83", how old are you??

Jazz said...

sparkles suck vamp arse(yes i said arse get over it)chemical romance is sweet and blood is yummy if i have 2 deal with another sparkly vampire pic thingy i will barf!if possible

Tyler Awesome Coolage said...

hehehe

Jazz said...

wow pathetic human all u can say is hehehe ugh

Tyler Awesome Coolage said...

"Pathetic human"? So....you're NOT human, then? That's a hoot.

Y'know, I have other posts, by the by.

Jazz said...

ur fat!!so mwahahaha

Tyler Awesome Coolage said...

that's ok.

'cause ur 12!!so mwahaha

just kidding.




but not really...

Jazz said...

no im 15

Tyler Awesome Coolage said...

ok. fair enough. I'm sorry to persecute your musical tastes and uh...monster idols. As it happens, I'm actually in the process of writing a vampire story, a return to the classic TRUE sort of vampire, along the lines of John Polidori or Bram Stoker and other Gothic writers of the Romantic movement.

Jazz said...

thank u hope it works out well

Anonymous said...

I hate vampires too. They need to stop getting so popular and en vogue! Bad influences for the children!

Eirinn said...

i ♥ vampires and the taste of blood jj

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