Guest Post: ‘Go Out and Party Like It’s 1999,’ An Outdated Movie Review

When Tyler asked me to contribute to his blog I was simultaneously flattered and terrified: flattered that he thinks enough of my opinions to include them, terrified that I might be incapable of saying anything interesting to anyone but me. I must admit, I am rarely up-to-date on any subject, entertainment being no exception. I try to read current books but have a hard time finding anything that interests me, so I generally wait for recommendations from friends who stay on top of things; I’m better about webcomics.

I do watch some currently-airing TV shows, but as I usually watch them on hulu.com in between nursing sessions with my three-month-old daughter, even there I am perpetually a few steps behind the rest of the world. The only show I watch religiously as it airs is Craig Ferguson (which Tyler covers more than amply already), and even that will be taken from me with the grand ‘switch to digital’ (I own a digital TV but our apartment complex doesn’t get good reception); I will be reduced to desperately scouring Youtube for clips. Oh, the degredation. All this is by way of saying that I am not going to write about anything new, because I almost never find out about anything new until it is no longer new to anyone but me. I also hate writing reviews.

Anyway, my husband and I have a Netflix account (I could spend an entire post extolling Netflix, but I won’t) and I have decided that this summer is all about Asian cinema. Let me pause for a moment here to allow for snide comments from the peanut gallery regarding manga/manwha, anime, crazy Japanese porn and/or pop music. Take it away, JH and K.

Pause.

(.....................................)

Okay. Instead of going in all directions, let’s talk Zhang Yimou. Most everybody has seen ‘Hero,’ ‘House of Flying Daggers,’ and ‘Curse of the Golden Flower,’ but before you go lumping all of this man’s films into one big ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ lump, let me point out that first of all, Ang Lee directed that movie, and second that there is much more to Zhang’s film repertoire than (admittedly awesome) fighting. I haven’t watched everything yet (my queue on Netflix has about 250 movies of all kinds in quite a jumbled order), but I’ve seen enough to form an opinon, and that opinion is: get off your ass and rent ‘The Road Home.’

I liked ‘Shanghai Triad’ pretty well (I think this film was a let-down for me on account of thirteen years’ worth of anticipation; I remember seeing a preview for it when I was about 10 years old and being fascinated by Gong Li), and enjoyed ‘The Story of Qiu Ju’ very much (I recommend it as well), but this movie blew me away. I haven’t read any critics’ reviews of it, and I don’t have to. I don’t need Roger Ebert to tell me that I ought to like this movie because the style and the cinematography and political undertones are blah, blah, blah… I’m not a film snob. I don’t know about film-snobbish things, and I don’t really care about them. I appreciate shit blowing up as much as the next person. I simply enjoy a good story, and I am more than willing to put up with subtitles if I’m going to get one. (Even if you can’t stand subtitles, this one is worth the pain.) I don’t even know how to begin to write a review of this that will convince you to watch this movie, but here goes:

‘The Road Home’ (1999) is very simple, very tender (not saccharine), and almost reverent story. What is it about? It begins and ends with views of a road, and the title includes the word ‘road,’ so I think one can safely assume that this film is about a road—a very specific Road, in fact, one which leads to a tiny Chinese village. There are two overlapping storylines in the film, one present, one past. The present, filmed in black-and-white, is this: a man’s father has died so he returns to his hometown, where he learns that his stubborn, grieving mother wishes that her husband, the village schoolteacher for forty years, be honored with an old, outdated custom: that his casket be carried by the men of the village down the well-worn road to his place of burial while his friends shout out to him; in this way his spirit might always be able to find its way home. This presents a problem for a village short on men, especially considering that the story takes place in winter in an especially harsh climate. While attempting to find a solution to this problem, the narrator tells, in vivid color, the story of the past and of his parents’ courtship: a love that takes place along that same road, a love beginning when the then-young schoolteacher follows it to an unfamiliar village where a beautiful girl in pigtail braids and a red coat sees him for the first time, a love growing as she shyly follows him down it, day after day, from a distance when he walks his students home, as she finally, in a moment of sheer feminine wilyness, ‘accidentally’ leaves the basket behind for him to pick up and return to her, a love tested when he is called away and she first chases him down it and then waits for him along it, a love fulfilled when he returns to her faithfully as promised. The end of the movie returns to the present, but I won’t spoil that for you. It’s not a shocking plot-twister, but it is better seen than told about.

I was surprised by this movie. It’s not fast-paced, and large periods have little-to-no dialogue, but it doesn’t drag at all—I never even once looked at the clock (this happens to me a lot when watching movies that bore me). The romance isn’t very exciting, but is moving nonetheless. It feels genuine. I think actually that might be a good word to describe the whole movie: it’s genuine, very heartfelt, (again) very reverent. I actually sat down and watched it again, which I never do except with ‘Strictly Ballroom.’ I read that this was Zhang Ziyi’s first movie—that, too, was surprising. She is excellent... and whatever magic Zhang Yimou employs to film as beautifully as he does is well worth it; everything is gorgeous. The movie is gorgeous. If I haven’t convinced you to go see this movie yet, then I will instead command you: go forth and watch ‘The Road Home.’ I don’t know yet if it’s Zhang Yimou’s best film since I haven’t seen them all, but I’ve definitely marked it on my list of favorite movies.

Read, Kindly Light...

"Coraline" Review

Last night I went with my little brother to the Rave at Ridgmar to watch "Coraline" in 3D. Ticket prices were $9.50 for adults, and so I fibbed and said that Christian was only 12 (as he and I see it, such situations are the only apparent advantages to him being a 'late bloomer'). But even with my liar's discount, our two tickets together cost a whopping twenty three dollars! I realized then that I had been charged an additional $2.00 per ticket because Coraline is a 3D Movie. Was I now broke? Yes. Did that fact infuriate me? You betcha. But in the long run, was it all worth it? YEEESSSS!!!

Let me preface my little review by saying that I have only ever read one graphic novel in my entire lifetime. I am an avidly avid supporter of the idea of reading comic books, but I myself never actually go out and read any. It must be because I am not a very visual person, or perhaps it is just another odd form of my all-pervasive laziness. Whatever the case, I say again, I've only ever read through one graphic novel, and it was hardly enjoyable. After watching Coraline, I am rethinking all of that. I am going to buy the Coraline comic and the Graveyard Book, as well as reread the Sandman comic I did not at first enjoy. Before, I (unfairly) found Neil Gaiman to be more than a bit overrated. Now, I think he is under-appreciated.

So, to the purpose. "Coraline" is a children's ghost story that centers on a young girl who has just moved to a new house, a house in which she soon discovers a secret doorway to another world, a world that mirrors her own. This new world gives her everything she lacked in her old one; it gives flesh and voice to all her unfulfilled dreams and fantasies. Where her first mother had always been too busy and had no time for her, her "Other Mother" shows her daughter unusual kindness and affection, loving her even to the point of adoration -- and her Other Mother has shiny black buttons for eyes. In fact, every creature on the other side of the door has shiny black buttons, and they all demand Coraline's unqualified affection. They whisper how she could even stay there with them forever...
.....and soon, Coraline's dream-world transforms into a nightmare, one from which she must desperately try to escape.

This movie is brilliant, absolutely brilliant. It is one of the most imaginative children's stories I've ever seen on film. It is the longest stop-motion picture to date, but it has to be to tell this spellbinding tale of phantasmagoria. And because Neil Gaiman is such a literate writer, the adaptation of his graphic novel isn't just any other kiddy goosebumps flick. I mean, how many villains from a kids movie are a reference to a character from a Keats poem? (The Beldam 'old woman / grandmother' ---> "La Belle Dame Sans Merci")

But I've yet to tell you the best part about the movie, for the visual beauty of "Coraline" surpasses even its superior storytelling. The cinematography is gorgeous and truly stunning: in every shot there is a galaxy of budding shapes and colors; in the next shot they burst into bloom. It's also the first stop-motion animated feature to be shot entirely in 3D, and it can safely boast that it elevates that genre from the gimmicky to the nuanced. Because of its visual splendor, "Coraline" is a film that must be seen on the big screen at least once, to enjoy the so-called "eye-popping" 3D effects it employs. It's just not the same without them.

So, in conclusion, I give Coraline 5 creepy eye-buttons out of 5. Go see it now.

Read, Kindly Light...

Six-String Samurai: the Coolest B Movie Ever

Imagine a movie that is part Red Dawn, part Mad Max / Road Warrior, part Kill Bill (definitely the all-style-no-substance Volume 1), part Wizard of Oz, part The Seventh Seal (or Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, if you prefer), and part tribute/satire to rockabilly music and the 50's.

Put it all together and what do you get?
(I'll tell you after the jump.)



I will not be coy. This movie has many, many problems, but most of them can be attributed to the B movie budget of the production. The dialogue is terrible, and the delivery is worse. The special effects are obviously limited, though the film-makers do a lot with what they've got. The biggest single problem is the overuse of the orphan sidekick character, who started out as just another bit of comedy, but eventually progressed to become a predictably and disgustingly sentimental prop on the scale of Tiny Tim. Let me put it this way: he mostly speaks in whiny shouts like "aAaaaAah!" and "oOooaah!"

However, the CORE IDEA of the story and the world in which it exists is amazing, and one can forget some of the poor details when one looks at the beauty and imagination in the grand scope of the film. What is this amazing story? Well, let me let the film do the talking; it speaks for itself. Here are the words from the prologue that scrolled over black:

In 1957 the bomb dropped, and Russia took over what was America.

The last bastion of freedom became a place called Lost Vegas, and Elvis was crowned King.

After forty rockin' years, the King is dead.

Every guitar-picking, sword-swinging opportunist, including Death himself, hears the call echoing across the wastelands.



Vegas needs a new King.

Who is the Six-String Samurai? His name is 'Buddy'...as in Holly; he looks the same, dresses the same, plays the same sort of music, and even wears those signature geek-chic glasses.

So, most of the movie then is Buddy wandering around the wastelands, dueling to the death a bunch of people lamer than he, including a trio of strong-arm bowlers, a car-roving band of crazed cannibals, silent killer astronauts, a bizarre cult that worships an all-powerful "Windmill God", an inept battalion of left-over Soviet soldiers, and finally, DEATH himself. That's right. Death himself is the true villain of this movie, and Death wields a katana and plays a mean guitar. Of course, Death obviously plays death metal. In fact, he kinda looks like a Nazgul version of Ozzy Osbourne as the tophat-wearing Prince of Darkness.

On top of all this, many of the characters speak in ridiculously dated vernacular, constantly saying such slang as "Swell!" and sometimes arguing the merits of different 50's automobiles, and the entire soundtrack consists mostly of songs from the cooky on-screen Russian band, the 'Red Elvises'. Also, Six-String Samurai won Best Cinematography and Best Editing at Slamdance in 1998, and it shows. Best of all, this movie knows its a B-movie, and knows its cheesy, and is willing to poke fun at itself. It has no pretensions. It is very up-front. "Hey this a movie about samurai rock stars that kill each other to become King of Vegas/Oz." Who wouldn't wanna watch THAT???

Basically....if you have seen aaaany B-movies at all, I cannot recommend Six-String Samurai enough. In fact, if you have watched aaaany B Movies at all, you have a categorical imperative to watch this film. At the very least, you should watch it on Instant Netflix and just skip everything but Buddy Holly slaying all the weird troop of posers. You could maybe even skip that, so long as you watch the end when the Six-String Samurai duels with Death, who raises his sword and charges him while shouting the line "Bend before the ways of Heavy Metal!"

CLICK HERE TO SEE OUR HERO BUDDY KILL A WHOLE ARMY OF COMMIES!

P.S. This is definitely the best line from the movie...
Ward Cleaver: You ever try a pink golf ball, Wally? Why, the wind shear alone on a pink golf ball can take the head off a 90-pound midget at over 300 yards.
Read, Kindly Light...