...and werewolves are still the struggling small business owners you know and trust. Support your local monster community!
Aaanyways, I'm sure someone out there (a certain Norwegian, say) is probably at this very moment wondering to himself something like, "Hmm, what's with all these vampire posts? I mean, is there a REASON for them, or is Tyler just some kinda psycho fangbanger? I mean he whines aaaalllll day about Twilight and "ooOooooOoOoohhh glittery glitter boy!" and blah blah blah etc. etc., but he keeeeeps on keepin' on postin' 'em."
Well, let me just cirsumvrent that rude question(s) entirely and instead pose to you another question(s), a hypethical one(s): "If vampires were to take over the world and nearly eradicate the entire human race, do you think Sam Neil would be their poster child? And do you think Willem Dafoe would be the badass with a crossbow ready to lay down some heavy slayage on the bloodsuckers' pale and global doushebaggery? And, well, do you think that Ethan Hawke actually deserves to be in another movie, I guess in appreciation of...um, uh, um...Gattaca?"
If your answer to these questions - er, "hypothetical questions" - was "yes", then you need to watch the trailer for "Daybreakers", which I have conveniently placed below for your viewing pleasure.
Okay, all kidding aside, this movie actually looks pretty flippin' awesome. Mostly because vampires are PURE EVIL, and this flick seems to acknowledge it for the most part. Plus Willem Dafoe and Sam Neil are friggin' perfect for their roles. And Ethan Hawke? Well, he actually looks pretty alright. Now that's saying something!
Read, Kindly Light...
Well thankfully the new vamp story is gonna be on the WB.......er...uh....I mean, the "CW", so you just KNOW it's gonna be gooooood. *Cough*Cough*Coughing up lots of blood* Aaaand *blech!*
Okay, okay, okay. We all know "Twilight TV"......er, um...uh, I mean, I meant, I mean "The Vampire Diaries", yeah...we all know that "The Vampire Diaries" is going to suck big neck...but I still watched this durnded "extended preview" for the show. It's pretty entertaining, but, uh, not in the way it intends to be.
Don't get me wrong, the first minute or so is actually not that bad, it looks quite watchable, in fact -- but then it falls apart like a delicious but crumbly honey butter chicken biscuit from Whataburger. I think I stopped taking it seriously when the good-ish vampire's name was first mentioned. It's "Stefan Salvatore", by the by. Really? Stefan? Really? Salvatore, huh? And you're a Gemini? And you're favorite color is blue, not black and red? Oo0o00oOOooO0Oo00OoOoh!
But this was not even the best part of the youtubess video. What I really wanted you to see was the comments...comments that all seemed to be written by bizarre Sasha Baron Cohen characters. Here are 10 of them, 10 comments I consider to be a good sampling of the whole........
FIRST OFF: This is Cowtown & Coolage's 50th post! Yay! Can I get a "woot!"? And it's almost been half a year since I started this blog. Dang. 6 months and only 50 entries? That's like not even 10 posts per month on average. Hell, that's not even 9 posts a month. *Sniff*. I'm so lazy. *Sniff*Sniff*. I guess this is what happens when you are distracted from distraction by distraction.
SECONDLY: Man, how did I miss Conan's first Tonight Show?! He took his rightful place on the 10:30-11:30 slot, and I didn't get to watch it. Damn.
THIRDLY: This pain is partially mitigated, as Craig's visit from "The Rerun Fairy" has ended; now the "Live Fairy" is here to stay on the Late Late Show. And last night was a particularly great episode; Craig was at his goofiest/silliest/angriest/craziest/sexiest/Scottishest. (read: best).
I love Joss Whedon, and every single oddball but intelligent geeky TV masterpiece thing-a-ma-bob/jig he creates. Love it, love it, love it, llluuuuuuuuuuvvvv it all. Yep, I'm the kinda guy who fits neatly into the "Whedonite" niche of the "Madatoms' comparative chart of Internet cults."
So, suffice it to say that I was super-duper-uber-Pisssssed when I heard that the got-danged Kazuis were making a "Buffy" reboot WITHOUT JOSS WHEDON(!!!). I actually tried to blog out this rage the day after I read the news, but I was too damn angry to form a clear thought, let a coherent sentence. That's why you're only reading about it now.
.....................VAMPIRES, that's what. Literally. They will suck your blood. They. Will. Suck. Your. Blood. They will suck it up. Dare I say, they will drink your milkshake.
So, I hate vampires. Seriously. I hate vampires. Every single one of them. I HATE vampires! I have not seen a vampire movie in I-don't-know-how-long, and yet in the past few months they have continued to show up in violent, graphic nightmares to get me and everyone I love, the evil bastards. I HATE vampires!
Oh, I know what you're thinking... "But vampires are so cool. Vampires are sexy!" (My reply after da jump.)
Um, yeah, they're sexy...until they're about tear out your jugular,
and eat your soul (and then theres' that whole afore-mentioned blood-sucking thing). Dear readers, take note: the whole reason why they're sexy is because they wanna get close to you and bite you. Vampires only have one thing on their minds. Bloooooooood. You see, our current pop culture has deceived us. Our media want you to think that vampires are dark, sexy, freaky, spooky superheroes. I'm sorry to break it to you, but there's no such thing as a gothic/vampire/bat superhero.
Ok. That kind of backfired on me. But notice, Batman does not bite people's necks. Batman does not suck people's blood. And Batman certainly does not listen to emo crap like My Chemical Romance. He's way too cool to do something lame like that.
The sad thing is, our current pop culture has progressed beyond even the Underworld-era vampire as the sexy, cool superhuman; this type of vampire has been replaced with one far more repulsive...
That's right. In addition to whiny, melodramatic teenagers wanting to be vampires, we now have VAMPIRES TRYING TO BE WHINY, MELODRAMATIC TEENAGERS! These vampires are so far removed from Count Dracula that "the harmful effects of sunlight" don't burn these vampires, don't kill them, don't turn them into bats. No. No. The magical harmful effects of sunlight make these vampires...
...sparkle... ...................... .......................... ...............................Yes, you read that correctly. They sparkle in the sunlight. OooOoOooOooOooOoOOOOOoOooOOOOooh!! Scary. And. Glittery. That's just what we need -- glittery, glitzy vampires.
What we need now is a new vampire movie that is completely old-school, totally non-new. The last thing we need is to "reinvent" vampires; that's how we went wrong in the first place. We've reinvented them eleven times over, and humanized them to a fault. What we need is something like a more modern retelling of Nosferatu; what we need is a classic Dracula-flick with an updated setting. The vampire need not be Dracula himself necessarily, but he ought to be modeled after that seductive but terrifying gentlemanly archetype.
Also, I'm so sick and tired of every single vampire movie featuring the most arrogant vampires explaining to the silly humans that every single bit of oral tradition handed down about vampires is wrong, that somehow all the oldest and best-known tales about these monsters are pure superstition. When's the last time you saw someone try and kill a vampire with a good old-fashioned stake, or ward him off with holy water, garlic, or a crucifix? We need to return to these archetypal sorts of tried-and-true props and motifs. Because God knows, no one (thirteen-year-old girls aside) wants to see another dumb teenage vampire angst movie.
P.S. Vampires are real, very, very real, and very, very scary. They are ABSOLUTE evil! The hierarchy of evil is Satan/Morgoth/Sauron, Maleficent, the Joker (ala Dark Knight), the Sith, the Nazgul, Count Dracula, Keyser Soze, Hannibal Lector, and vampires in general. That's why this post is so vitally important. We humans (and we werewolves) must win the war against the blood-suckers. I'll explain all about werewolves in another post. Read, Kindly Light...
All content found on this blog exists only for the reader's personal enjoyment -- never for commercial use of any kind. If you like what you hear, then support the artists, buy their music, attend a show, and spread the word.If you own the rights to any of the songs or videos featured here and would like me to remove them, please contact me and I will do so immediately.
Posts
