Showing posts with label Rants / Ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rants / Ramblings. Show all posts

Thursday, June 25, 2009

It's Official: "Heroes" is COMPLETELY unsalvageable, and there is *NO* reason on God's green earth why you should ever watch it ever again. EVER.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

...As if you didn't know that already half-way through Season 3.)

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm sure someone out there (probably not a very bright someone, or maybe just a Norwegian someone) must be asking, "Why, Tyler? Why is it that you think Heroes is sooooo bad? I mean, I kinda like it."

Well, Jan, I'll tell you.

The reason why Heroes now sucks AND blows is this:
:>|
:>/
:>(
>:>(
>:>{
>:>O


(Okay, this really happened 3 days ago, but nothing I ever report is actually "New new" News)

Oh, but not to worry, folks! Greg Grunberg, AKA Matt Parkman, AKA Officer Donuts, AKA The Turtle Whisperer, reassures us with these brief but eloquent words:
...The scripts for season 4 and the stories we're about to tell will ROCK YOUR WORLD. BEST. SEASON. EVER.


Well, that's a relief.

But wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE, folks! Greggy has actually sent us in a little preview, a little sneak peak at the Heroes season 4 premiere! The clip is kinda confusing, so I might need to sort it all out for you before you give it a watch.

-HERE BE SPOILERS!-
In the near future, Sylar has again abandoned his quest to win the Guiness world record for most brains eaten by a non-Fiji-Islander to enjoy the simple pleasures of family life. In this scene, Sylar is walking his "dog", Noah (who's really a shapeshifted HRG!!!!), with his two new best friends and life-partners, Butcher Boy and T-Bone (T-Bone's the guy with the awesome mystical magical Steak-morphing powers). And then...Noah goes nuts and Sylar loses his sunglasses and then....well...then.....um, then, then things just get a little out of hand.



P.S. Jan, I think you're very intelligent, and only slightly Norwegian. But you should have given up on Heroes a LONG long time ago...
Read, Kindly Light...

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Guest Post: ‘Go Out and Party Like It’s 1999,’ An Outdated Movie Review

Saturday, June 13, 2009

When Tyler asked me to contribute to his blog I was simultaneously flattered and terrified: flattered that he thinks enough of my opinions to include them, terrified that I might be incapable of saying anything interesting to anyone but me. I must admit, I am rarely up-to-date on any subject, entertainment being no exception. I try to read current books but have a hard time finding anything that interests me, so I generally wait for recommendations from friends who stay on top of things; I’m better about webcomics.

I do watch some currently-airing TV shows, but as I usually watch them on hulu.com in between nursing sessions with my three-month-old daughter, even there I am perpetually a few steps behind the rest of the world. The only show I watch religiously as it airs is Craig Ferguson (which Tyler covers more than amply already), and even that will be taken from me with the grand ‘switch to digital’ (I own a digital TV but our apartment complex doesn’t get good reception); I will be reduced to desperately scouring Youtube for clips. Oh, the degredation. All this is by way of saying that I am not going to write about anything new, because I almost never find out about anything new until it is no longer new to anyone but me. I also hate writing reviews.

Anyway, my husband and I have a Netflix account (I could spend an entire post extolling Netflix, but I won’t) and I have decided that this summer is all about Asian cinema. Let me pause for a moment here to allow for snide comments from the peanut gallery regarding manga/manwha, anime, crazy Japanese porn and/or pop music. Take it away, JH and K.

Pause.


(.....................................)



Okay. Instead of going in all directions, let’s talk Zhang Yimou. Most everybody has seen ‘Hero,’ ‘House of Flying Daggers,’ and ‘Curse of the Golden Flower,’ but before you go lumping all of this man’s films into one big ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ lump, let me point out that first of all, Ang Lee directed that movie, and second that there is much more to Zhang’s film repertoire than (admittedly awesome) fighting. I haven’t watched everything yet (my queue on Netflix has about 250 movies of all kinds in quite a jumbled order), but I’ve seen enough to form an opinon, and that opinion is: get off your ass and rent ‘The Road Home.’

I liked ‘Shanghai Triad’ pretty well (I think this film was a let-down for me on account of thirteen years’ worth of anticipation; I remember seeing a preview for it when I was about 10 years old and being fascinated by Gong Li), and enjoyed ‘The Story of Qiu Ju’ very much (I recommend it as well), but this movie blew me away. I haven’t read any critics’ reviews of it, and I don’t have to. I don’t need Roger Ebert to tell me that I ought to like this movie because the style and the cinematography and political undertones are blah, blah, blah… I’m not a film snob. I don’t know about film-snobbish things, and I don’t really care about them. I appreciate shit blowing up as much as the next person. I simply enjoy a good story, and I am more than willing to put up with subtitles if I’m going to get one. (Even if you can’t stand subtitles, this one is worth the pain.) I don’t even know how to begin to write a review of this that will convince you to watch this movie, but here goes:

‘The Road Home’ (1999) is very simple, very tender (not saccharine), and almost reverent story. What is it about? It begins and ends with views of a road, and the title includes the word ‘road,’ so I think one can safely assume that this film is about a road—a very specific Road, in fact, one which leads to a tiny Chinese village. There are two overlapping storylines in the film, one present, one past. The present, filmed in black-and-white, is this: a man’s father has died so he returns to his hometown, where he learns that his stubborn, grieving mother wishes that her husband, the village schoolteacher for forty years, be honored with an old, outdated custom: that his casket be carried by the men of the village down the well-worn road to his place of burial while his friends shout out to him; in this way his spirit might always be able to find its way home. This presents a problem for a village short on men, especially considering that the story takes place in winter in an especially harsh climate. While attempting to find a solution to this problem, the narrator tells, in vivid color, the story of the past and of his parents’ courtship: a love that takes place along that same road, a love beginning when the then-young schoolteacher follows it to an unfamiliar village where a beautiful girl in pigtail braids and a red coat sees him for the first time, a love growing as she shyly follows him down it, day after day, from a distance when he walks his students home, as she finally, in a moment of sheer feminine wilyness, ‘accidentally’ leaves the basket behind for him to pick up and return to her, a love tested when he is called away and she first chases him down it and then waits for him along it, a love fulfilled when he returns to her faithfully as promised. The end of the movie returns to the present, but I won’t spoil that for you. It’s not a shocking plot-twister, but it is better seen than told about.

I was surprised by this movie. It’s not fast-paced, and large periods have little-to-no dialogue, but it doesn’t drag at all—I never even once looked at the clock (this happens to me a lot when watching movies that bore me). The romance isn’t very exciting, but is moving nonetheless. It feels genuine. I think actually that might be a good word to describe the whole movie: it’s genuine, very heartfelt, (again) very reverent. I actually sat down and watched it again, which I never do except with ‘Strictly Ballroom.’ I read that this was Zhang Ziyi’s first movie—that, too, was surprising. She is excellent... and whatever magic Zhang Yimou employs to film as beautifully as he does is well worth it; everything is gorgeous. The movie is gorgeous. If I haven’t convinced you to go see this movie yet, then I will instead command you: go forth and watch ‘The Road Home.’ I don’t know yet if it’s Zhang Yimou’s best film since I haven’t seen them all, but I’ve definitely marked it on my list of favorite movies.





Read, Kindly Light...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

It's An Animation Celebration! (sorry...)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I saw a documentary a few weeks ago called The Pixar Story (available on Instant Netflix). In an interview with Bob Iger (the new CEO of Disney and Michael Eisner’s replacement) he spoke about the troubles Disney has had the past ten years or so.

There's more...

While it is true Eisner presided over the production of some of the best work the Walt Disney Company has ever done, beginning around 1994 he began slowly driving the company into the ground. Eisner is responsible for the departure of Jeffrey Katzenberg (who left to found Dreamworks), the shift of Disney’s focus to The Disney Channel (i.e., Lizzie McGuire, Even Stevens, Hannah Montana, etc.), and, as Roy E. Disney (Walt Disney’s nephew) said upon his resignation, the devolution of Disney into a “rapacious, soul-less” company.

In the interview, Iger recounted how shortly after he took over, during the Main Street Parade at Disney World, he realized which floats were getting the loudest cheers. They were the classic Disney films like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Pinocchio and the classic modern films like Beauty & the Beast, The Little Mermaid, and The Lion King.

The difference between these and some of the not-so-classic Disney features like Pocahontas, Hercules, and Lilo & Stitch, it seemed to Iger, was quite simply the story-telling. Where Eisner had decided to end all production of traditional animation in favor of Pixar-style 3D, Iger realized the reason Pixar had been trouncing Disney at the box office from the beginning wasn’t the animation style, but that they knew how to create good characters and tell good stories.

Iger said that this epiphany is in fact what led him to end the Eisner-instigated Disney/Pixar feud and effectively merge the two companies, putting Pixar in charge of Disney’s creative side, and the current Disney people in charge of the marketing and business side.

Iger has it exactly right. I think (at least subconsciously) we all recognize the two great eras in animation—the First and Second Golden Ages. The first includes the great early Disney features:










Tell me as you looked through each of those pictures your heart didn't swell.

Disney's work from Snow White in 1937 through Sleeping Beauty in 1957 (or perhaps One Hundred and One Dalmations in 1961) was the best it ever did. This First Golden Age of Animation was not limited to feature-length films, however. This is also the age of Looney Tunes and Tom & Jerry.

From 1957 forward Disney did good work, but it wasn't quite the same caliber as what had come before (perhaps due to Walt Disney's death in 1966). This era saw the release of The Sword in the Stone, The Jungle Book, The Aristocats, Robin Hood, The Rescuers, The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, The Fox and the Hound, The Black Cauldron, The Great Mouse Detective, The Brave Little Toaster, and Oliver & Company.

I know some of you are screaming at the computer screen right now. Many of these are near and dear to my heart as well, but I think it is safe to say that, on the whole, they don't carry the weight of a Cinderella or a Bambi.

But we said there are two Golden Ages. In 1989 Disney released The Little Mermaid, beginning a new series of classics:






Earlier we said that it was around The Lion King's release in 1994 that Eisner began the downward spiral--the features got progressively worse: A Goofy Movie, Pocahontas, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Hercules, Mulan, Tarzan, Dinosaur, The Emperor's New Groove, Atlantis, Lilo & Stitch, Treasure Planet, Brother Bear, Home on the Range, Chicken Little, Meet the Robinsons.

Granted, a couple of these don't quite count as they're in 3D and a couple are pretty good, but it's the trend that's important. It's no wonder Eisner decided to focus on The Disney Channel, direct-to-DVD sequels, and merchandise. All I can say is thank God Pixar has taken over.

But, of course, like the First Golden Age, the Second was not limited to the big screen either. The late 80s and 90s saw the best cartoons for television ever produced. It is these that we will consider in the upcoming sequel to this post: "Saturday Morning Classics".

Thank you all for allowing Cowtown & Coolage's Chief Star Trek Correspondant this chance to branch out.


Read, Kindly Light...

Thursday, June 4, 2009

"The Vampire Diaries", huh? (OoOoOOoOooOOoOoOOh!)

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Well thankfully the new vamp story is gonna be on the WB.......er...uh....I mean, the "CW", so you just KNOW it's gonna be gooooood. *Cough*Cough*Coughing up lots of blood* Aaaand *blech!*

Okay, okay, okay. We all know "Twilight TV"......er, um...uh, I mean, I meant, I mean "The Vampire Diaries", yeah...we all know that "The Vampire Diaries" is going to suck big neck...but I still watched this durnded "extended preview" for the show. It's pretty entertaining, but, uh, not in the way it intends to be.


Don't get me wrong, the first minute or so is actually not that bad, it looks quite watchable, in fact -- but then it falls apart like a delicious but crumbly honey butter chicken biscuit from Whataburger. I think I stopped taking it seriously when the good-ish vampire's name was first mentioned. It's "Stefan Salvatore", by the by. Really? Stefan? Really? Salvatore, huh? And you're a Gemini? And you're favorite color is blue, not black and red? Oo0o00oOOooO0Oo00OoOoh!

But this was not even the best part of the youtubess video. What I really wanted you to see was the comments...comments that all seemed to be written by bizarre Sasha Baron Cohen characters. Here are 10 of them, 10 comments I consider to be a good sampling of the whole........

'lovescrayons101' writes:
"THAT IS SOOOOOOO COPYING TWILIGHT!!!"

Well, the Bible did it first.


'notdonebaking' writes:
"The Vampire Diaries were written in the early 90s. How exactly does it rip off a book that came out over a decade before it?

Time travel?
"

Yep. Ain't it a bitch?


'dubby115' writes:
I am disappointed! Isn't Stephen supposed to be hot?

Nope. Neither is Stefan.


'paowie555' writes:
i always imagine stefan looks like tom cruise with curly locks!

Me too, Powie. Meeee too.


'buuuhja' writes:
"when do i com in tv??"
and then
i meen. when do it come in tv??

For the last time, Buddha, DON'T com in TV!!


'canani02' writes:
why was elena coming out of the guys restroom at 1:00?"

Er...well...


'gossipgirldidi' writes:
LOVEEEEEE

That.


"I profered tv series because they wont resume the book in 2 hours... is better this way...."

Yeah, I proffered a few TV series to the networks back in the day.


'NoUCntDoItLykMe' writes:
"CNT W8 2 WATCH THIS BTW!"

0 YH, $I$T3R, M3 N31Th3R. 0H M@n! Eye c@N'T w8 2 St@B u 1Nn tHe I & TH3n 3@t @ll ur br8ns.


and finally, my personal favorite --

'darksaphire919' writes:
"shes supposed to be blonde and has lapis lazilis eyes wtf"

Lapis Lazilis eyes
? What the duck?!



Oh. Okay...?




Read, Kindly Light...

Monday, April 27, 2009

Top Ten Next Gen

Monday, April 27, 2009
Once, a very long time ago, an unabashed and undeniably evil Positivist/Progressivist named Gene Roddenberry invented something called Star Trek.



(Continue reading Thomas' overview of 'Trek' after jump. Many strange photos to follow.)

Ta da!

Also, it was the 60s...



The effects were bad...



Did I mention the effects were bad?



The characters were hollow. The writing was obvious and preachy. And Star Trek's vision of the future was generally short-sighted. But it was the 60s...



The Original Series should be discussed, absolutely. But not here. And not by me.

Due to the aforementioned 60s quality of The Original Series (and the unavoidable continuity issues involved in a 20-year span between it and The Next Generation), it is fitting, I think, to recognize two Star Trek canons: one including Kirk, etc. and their escapades, and another including everything else (i.e., The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and movies VII-X.

On 28 September 1987, The Next Generation premiered, ushering in a new era for Trek. Finally, Star Trek's take on science fiction could be realized. There was only one problem. It was the 80s...



Did I mention it was the 80s?

But, the fundamentals were there, and, more importantly, Next Gen fought against its inheritance (of both The Original Series and the 80s).

At the end of Season One, Tasha Yar, Head of Security=dead...



Her death, though tragic as it was somewhat meaningless, was a blessing in the end. With her went one of the 80s-est elements of the show. Ironically, she was killed by the 80s-est of aliens. I give you Armus...



Tasha was replaced as Head of Security/Tactical Officer by Mr. Worf, resident Klingon (a much more sensible choice for the position, obviously)...



Just look at all those forehead ridges! He must mean business.



Worf angry!

Season Three introduced new uniforms, with an all-new 90s cut...

Before:



After:



Deanna's hair grew less permy as the seasons progressed, and in Season Six she finally abandoned her 80s catsuit...



Oh, and they got that damned kid off the bridge. What the balls were you thinking Picard? This is fecking Starfleet, not Lake Winnebago Summer Camp!



Look at him. Look how dumb he is. Jesus.

But I said that Next Gen fought against its inheritance of The Original Series. Quite. Next Gen redid the Klingons (now with forehead ridges, as we saw). They were a culture this time, not just hand-me-down Mongols. Next Gen redid the science part of science fiction; i.e., it kinda started to make sense. More importantly, the stories became compelling, and their effect on the characters. Of course, it's Star Trek, so the dialogue was still preachy, but hey.

In the spirit of recognizing the solid storytelling in Next Gen, what follows is a list of the 10 episodes everyone should see.

10 - The Drumhead



Jump for an episode preview.

Speaking of preachy... This episode epitomizes one of the major elements of the entire show--Picard taking a stand on moral issues, in the face of a corrupt bureaucracy. There is always this tension in Picard, between the Progressivist ideas he's adopted as a Starfleet captain and the Traditional values he was brought up with...in France...even though he has a British accent.

9 - The Nth Degree

Jump for an episode preview.

By far one of the best things about the later seasons of Next Gen was Lieutenant Barclay. Nervous, neurotic, and accident prone make for good ingredients in a lovable character.

8 - Masks



Jump for an episode preview.

Captain Picard could have been an archaeologist. In this episode, he gets to show off his skills. Also, Brent Spiner gets to play a bunch of characters (which happens several times actually...)

7 - Elementary, Dear Data + Ship in a Bottle



and



Jump for a preview of Elementary, Dear Data.

Jump for a preview of Ship in a Bottle.

These two episodes (the first from Season Two and the second from Season Six) are basically the two halves of the same story. Data and Geordi are messing around on the Holodeck in Season Two, playing Sherlock Holmes, and the computer accidentally creates a holographic version of Holmes' archvillain Moriarty self-aware. Trouble ensues.

6 - The Best of Both Worlds, Parts I & II

Jump for a preview of Part I.

Jump for a preview of Part II.

By far the most important contribution Next Gen made to the Star Trek universe (aside from the badass-ness that is Captain Picard) was the Borg. A hive mind of cybernetic drones bent on galactic domination. In this amazing two-parter, Captain Picard becomes one of them! Ack!

5 - Cause and Effect



Jump for an episode preview.

Always in Star Trek (that is, until the travesty that was Enterprise) the coolest episodes involve time travel. They rarely hold up to logic, but they're awesome just the same. In this episode the Enterprise gets caught in a time loop. ...Oh yeah, also, Frasier Crane makes a cameo appearance. Baha.

4 - All Good Things...



Jump for a preview of Part I.

Jump for a preview of Part II.

Is it not the worst when good shows just kind of fizzle away, or jump the shark and end on a low note. Thankfully, Next Gen wasn't one of those. Its finale really satisfied. Plus, it involved time travel.

3 - Darmok



Jump for an episode preview.

Now this is just a really, really good episode. One of Trek's biggest cop outs has been the Universal Translator. Basically it makes everybody speak English. Which is dumb. In this episode, it stops working--rather, it can't translate these guys' language. So they've gotta figure it out. Turns out it's a super cool language, P.S.

2 - Chain of Command, Parts I & II



Jump for a preview of Part I.

Jump for a preview of Part II.

Captain Picard steps down as captain of the Enterprise and goes on a black ops mission. Also, he gets captured and tortured by Russians...I mean...Cardassians.

1 - The Inner Light + Lessons



and



Jump for a preview of The Inner Light.

Jump for a preview of Lessons.

The Inner Light is the best episode ever. So effing good. Seriously. Lessons isn't as good, but it builds on The Inner Light, and Picard falls in love.

Look forward to future guests posts by this author. Next up: The Top Ten Star Trek: Voyager episodes everyone should see.

Read, Kindly Light...

Monday, April 13, 2009

APOLOGIA PRO "VITA"

Monday, April 13, 2009
With Thursday night came the second season finale of NBC's quirky crime drama "Life". I hope and pray alongside many others that this episode will not end up being the show's series finale as well. Life is a sensational (not to mention Zensational) TV show, and it would be a crying shame if it fell through the cracks while other run-of-the-mill crime series (read: anything with a 'CSI' prefix) went on strong. Yahoo's TV blog puts Life at #2 of its top-ten 'Shows That Are Really, Really Awesome But Which Will Almost Certainly NOT Pick Up Another Season Because...Because...Well, because, let's face it, The Majority of the American TV-Viewing Public Is Just Plain Stupid. It's STUPID. Seriously.' List (that was something of a paraphrase, if you hadn't guessed). While I haven't yet watched their #1 pick (i.e. "Chuck"), and I cannot fathom why something as tame and mundane as a reality show ("Celebrity Apprentice", to be precise!) makes their cut, it is overall a great list with good assessments of the shows. Besides Life, I'm rooting for "Dollhouse", "Fringe", and "Better Off Ted", by the by.

But what about Life makes it worth saving?
I mean, is it not just the latest version of the now-tread 'crime-with-a-twist' genre? Is it not just another "Monk" or "Psych"? The answer, as is probably obvious by now, is an EMPHATIC "NO."

(Continue for the full review after the jump.)

So, the reason? I cite the same ones as the above-linked film.com critic: star Damien Lewis and the intriguing, engaging character he plays -- Det. Charlie Crews.
Don't get me wrong about the crime-with-a-twist thing. While I enjoy any ol' Law & Order as much as the next guy (which I hope means "a lot, for the most part"), I'm much more in favor of the above-scorned "characters wanted" approach. The difference is that whereas the quirks of many other 'characters-wanted'-type detectives serve merely as props or gimmicks, as bits of comedic relief and distraction from the dark crimes they are solving, the Zen-y so-called "quirks" of Detective Charlie Crews are really the representation of the show's central-most tension -- Charlie's personal crisis; his internal struggle; his soul's teetering between the abstract and the concrete.

Of course, I understand that the show's basic premise is more than a little bit gimmecky and far-fetched. If you're not familiar with it, here's a summary of what wikipedia has to say:
Life centers around Detective Charlie Crews, who at the start of the first season (set in 2007) is released from Pelican Bay State Prison after serving twelve years of a life sentence. In 1995 he was wrongfully convicted of the triple murder of his business partner and the partner's family. Thanks to the efforts of his lawyer Constance Griffiths, DNA evidence exonerates him of the murders. Having lost his job, his wife, his friends, nearly all contact with the outside world and even his grip on reality for a time while in jail, he emerges enlightened by the philosophy of Zen, a fixation with fresh fruit and an obsession with solving the murder that nearly cost him his life and exposing the conspiracy that framed him for it. After successfully suing the city of Los Angeles and the LAPD, he is reinstated to the police department and receives an undisclosed but substantial monetary settlement.

But if you accept the basic premise and watch the show, then Charlie Crews, his life, and the people that surround it -- all of it will grow and grow and GROW on you. Again, what makes the show so compelling is Charlie himself, and what makes Charlie so compelling are his seeming contradictions (and actual contradictions). In short, he is something of a conundrum.

Despite the fact that his settlement has made him fabulously wealthy, Crews continues to work on the force, trying to bring the conspirators who framed him to justice. However, this vengeful pursuit of justice sometimes borders on revenge, which flies in the face of his apparently Buddhist philosophies. Crews is constantly listening to the advice given by a series of Zen self-fulfillment audio tapes, but at the end of Season 1, when he has the chance to kill the real murderer, he tosses one out of his car window. Yet when he digs a grave in which to bury the true killer, he fills it back up again, as a Zen exercise, and goes on to turn in the man rather than murder him secretly. Afterwards, he goes back to the country road and picks up the damaged audio tape from the dust.

Though his unusual outlook on life often aids him on his cases, Charlie CANNOT become a true Buddhist and remain a good cop; nor can he perfectly do what a police officer ought without abandoning some of his Buddhist principles. The question surrounding his character then is whether the mystical and transcendent ideals of Zen will rule the day, or whether the grounded, common-sense sentiments and notions he holds as a human being and a cop will overcome the dangers of his abstract philosophies. In short, shall he transcend the dirty, nitty-gritty details of LIFE, become distanced and disassociated from it, or shall he engage LIFE, embrace it, and deal with the pains and harsh truths and unpleasantness of it all?
Perhaps this exchange from the penultimate episode of Season 2 puts it best, when Charlie discovers his partner has been kidnapped by a criminal mastermind who was supposed to be behind bars (Here be SPOILERS!):

TED EARLEY: Charlie, what are you thinking?
CHARLIE CREWS: I'm thinking about what I want, and what I need.
TED EARLEY: What do you want?
CHARLIE CREWS: I *want* a peaceful soul...
TED EARLEY: And what do you need?
CHARLIE CREWS: I *need* a bigger gun.


Or perhaps this exchange, from the season finale, when Charlie prepares to hunt down the men who have taken his partner:

BOBBY STARK: Is this a private club, or can anyone join?
CHARLIE CREWS: That depends on if you got me what I asked for.
[Bobby opens the car trunk]
BOBBY STARK: It's not Zen, Charlie.
CHARLIE CREWS: It'll just have to do until Zen comes along.
[CUT to trunk interior, where an assault rifle is revealed. Crews picks the gun up, loading a clip.]

No, I know -- the climactic scene of the season finale, when Charlie's in the hands of Roman, his arch-nemesis:

CHARLIE CREWS: Do you wanna know how I survived twelve years of prison?
ROMAN NEVIKOV: Your 'Zen'? [laughs]
[Charlie whips his hand back, smashing Roman's windpipe. Roman slowly chokes to death...]
CHARLIE CREWS: Like *that*.
(Here endeth the SPOILERS...)

Hopefully by now you have a rough feeling of what I'm trying to say about Det. Charlie Crews' internal struggle. While he longs for harmony and union, there is none to be had with monsters like Roman, and so Charlie picks and chooses his Buddha-sayings, getting a "bigger gun" instead of "a peaceful soul", and doing what he's got to do "until Zen comes along."

So, is Season 2 better than Season 1? Yep. The reasons? Donal Logue as Captain Kevin Tidwell and Gabriel Union as Detective Jane Seever. Plus, of course, the plot thickens, the conspiracies widen and change, the bizarre mixture of death, hilarity, and surrealism doesn't miss a beat. And Detective Charlie Crews gets to kill the bad guys. That's not very Zen, Charlie!
So, so, so, if LIFE gets canceled, a little piece of my life will shrivel up and die. I mean, we'll keep watching that d-bag in Miami take on/off his sunglasses, but not Charlie with his personal pineapple? Anyway, y'all say a prayer for Life, Dollhouse, Fringe, and Better off Ted.



Ciao, folks. If you read this far, you are truly blessed.
~tylooh!~

Read, Kindly Light...

Friday, February 27, 2009

OSCARS much?

Friday, February 27, 2009
Nope.

You may have noticed the lack of Academy Awards blogging on this site. Guess what? It was intentional! The Academy Awards are a joke; they almost always pick terrible, terrible winners. Why? Because Hollywood doesn't actually care about talent or good cinema (read: Frank Langella, Mickey Rourke, The Dark Knight); it only cares about its own agendas and who will shove them down our throats (read: "Milk" and Sean Penn). I mean, hell, "In Bruges" and "Milk" were both nominated for Best Original Screenplay, Angelina Jolie was nominated for Best Actress in "Changeling", and yet "The Dark Knight" was not even NOMINATED for Best Picture. I understand a film like that would never win in such a snobby competition, but the Oscars voters ought to at least pretend like they actually saw some of the films for which the rest of America paid damn good money. So there.

~~
Tyler, the emphatically grouchy Oscars Grouch
Read, Kindly Light...

Friday, January 16, 2009

Six-String Samurai: the Coolest B Movie Ever

Friday, January 16, 2009

Imagine a movie that is part Red Dawn, part Mad Max / Road Warrior, part Kill Bill (definitely the all-style-no-substance Volume 1), part Wizard of Oz, part The Seventh Seal (or Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, if you prefer), and part tribute/satire to rockabilly music and the 50's.

Put it all together and what do you get?
(I'll tell you after the jump.)



I will not be coy. This movie has many, many problems, but most of them can be attributed to the B movie budget of the production. The dialogue is terrible, and the delivery is worse. The special effects are obviously limited, though the film-makers do a lot with what they've got. The biggest single problem is the overuse of the orphan sidekick character, who started out as just another bit of comedy, but eventually progressed to become a predictably and disgustingly sentimental prop on the scale of Tiny Tim. Let me put it this way: he mostly speaks in whiny shouts like "aAaaaAah!" and "oOooaah!"

However, the CORE IDEA of the story and the world in which it exists is amazing, and one can forget some of the poor details when one looks at the beauty and imagination in the grand scope of the film. What is this amazing story? Well, let me let the film do the talking; it speaks for itself. Here are the words from the prologue that scrolled over black:
In 1957 the bomb dropped, and Russia took over what was America.

The last bastion of freedom became a place called Lost Vegas, and Elvis was crowned King.

After forty rockin' years, the King is dead.

Every guitar-picking, sword-swinging opportunist, including Death himself, hears the call echoing across the wastelands.



Vegas needs a new King.


Who is the Six-String Samurai? His name is 'Buddy'...as in Holly; he looks the same, dresses the same, plays the same sort of music, and even wears those signature geek-chic glasses.

So, most of the movie then is Buddy wandering around the wastelands, dueling to the death a bunch of people lamer than he, including a trio of strong-arm bowlers, a car-roving band of crazed cannibals, silent killer astronauts, a bizarre cult that worships an all-powerful "Windmill God", an inept battalion of left-over Soviet soldiers, and finally, DEATH himself. That's right. Death himself is the true villain of this movie, and Death wields a katana and plays a mean guitar. Of course, Death obviously plays death metal. In fact, he kinda looks like a Nazgul version of Ozzy Osbourne as the tophat-wearing Prince of Darkness.

On top of all this, many of the characters speak in ridiculously dated vernacular, constantly saying such slang as "Swell!" and sometimes arguing the merits of different 50's automobiles, and the entire soundtrack consists mostly of songs from the cooky on-screen Russian band, the 'Red Elvises'. Also, Six-String Samurai won Best Cinematography and Best Editing at Slamdance in 1998, and it shows. Best of all, this movie knows its a B-movie, and knows its cheesy, and is willing to poke fun at itself. It has no pretensions. It is very up-front. "Hey this a movie about samurai rock stars that kill each other to become King of Vegas/Oz." Who wouldn't wanna watch THAT???

Basically....if you have seen aaaany B-movies at all, I cannot recommend Six-String Samurai enough. In fact, if you have watched aaaany B Movies at all, you have a categorical imperative to watch this film. At the very least, you should watch it on Instant Netflix and just skip everything but Buddy Holly slaying all the weird troop of posers. You could maybe even skip that, so long as you watch the end when the Six-String Samurai duels with Death, who raises his sword and charges him while shouting the line "Bend before the ways of Heavy Metal!"

CLICK HERE TO SEE OUR HERO BUDDY KILL A WHOLE ARMY OF COMMIES!

P.S. This is definitely the best line from the movie...
Ward Cleaver: You ever try a pink golf ball, Wally? Why, the wind shear alone on a pink golf ball can take the head off a 90-pound midget at over 300 yards.

Read, Kindly Light...